Christine Molley has written an excellent and thought provoking post on her blog Thoughts and Ramblings on Life, Love, and Health. In it, she explores her experience that each of us with a chronic illness faces: that moment when one struggles with the difference between surrender and acceptance:
I am here to tell you that Sjögren's syndrome sucks. It is this pervasive and debilitating illness that NEVER gives you a day off. Every single morning I wake up knowing that at the age of 43, I am never going to have a day again where I am completely healthy. It will never go away. It will follow me every single moment of every single day until the day I die. And hopefully, that will be because of old age, and not because of Sjögren's complications.
That is not a negative attitude.
That is called acceptance. Continue reading here.Oh, Chris. I can so relate. I've been teetering between surrender and acceptance for years and I'm still not certain where I am. There's days when I feel completely at peace with the effects of my disease. But more often than not, I regularly make promises to myself such as these: After my next dose of rituximab, I'll...... or: After I'm recovered from my back surgery, I'll....... or: If I just could lose some weight I'll be able to..... or: If I could just get off prednisone for good...
With the insinuation that any of those things will bring me a cure. Pffffttt. Oh, brother.
I know better. How about you?
2 comments:
I remember that grief that came with my diagnosis. Who am I now that I carry a chronic illness that is dictating my life? What happened to me? The me that could push myself and do anything. A spontaneous pneumothorax later and...wah...It is even stealing my ability to draw breath. But hey 30 years on it ain't so bad. It's now part of my life. It is definitely an integral part of who I am. I wouldn't be who I am without it. I am a much more compassionate, tolerant and accepting person because of this illness. And I know who my real friends are. Goodness knows it has made me strong. Mind you I can still get up every day and walk and work to the best of my ability. Without doubt I'm one of the lucky ones. But believe me I work jolly hard on keeping my head in the right space and doing my best (sometimes more successfully than others) in controlling pain through attitude. Have to admit that the slightest tooth pain is completely beyond my ability to manage! But the rest so far so good. All that said I have to make it clear that I am speaking only about me and am in no way shape or form passing judgement on anyone else's illness because it hits us all differently and some way more than others. xo
Thanks for reposting this, Julia. It was a very tough think to write and it's one of those posts where I felt exposed. I'm glad it resonated with people...
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