A monocle wouldn't work for me, either.

See? Much less stupid looking. 

I just have to share a conversation with y'all that occurred a couple of days ago. It has to do with my cataract surgery, and I'm certain that everyone that knows me even a smidgen is SICK AND TIRED of my cataract/surgery/eyeball stories. But I just can't help myself, so here goes.

I was wandering around Wal-Mart because I was bored and it's close by and I needed to pick up some Cheetos for my friend Naomi (but that's another story. Ooo. And a non-eyeball related one too..) when I pushed my shopping cart which now contained a small bag of Cheetos but also a pair of jeans, two boxes of cereal, some bananas, and a pair of clearance earrings past the optical department.

I've been futzing around with my glasses ever since my surgery. My doctor told me to pop out the glasses lens of the surgical eye because now my vision in that eye is 20/20. But since I require a very significant correction in my other eye I need to continue to use my left lens, which left my glasses looking totally stupid on my face, one whole lens being missing and all.

Hey -- don't say it. I know what you're thinking. Just don't go there.

Anyway, I already had noticed a few other shoppers doing a double-take when they saw my dopey one-eyed glasses and wondered to myself if there was some way to put a blank lens in there, just to align the wire frame better and to diminish the bizarre factor a bit. So I wheeled my shopping cart (which now ALSO had a pack of sugar free gum, some shampoo, and a clearance set of sunglasses) up to a friendly-looking young lady in a white lab jacket sporting a Wal-Mart Optical name tag.

"Can I help you?"

I hope so. I was wondering what patients do with their eyeglasses in the midst of cataract surgeries, assuming they need both eyes fixed.

"Um." She looked a bit confused.

Well, so take a look at these dumb stupid looking glasses.

She did.

Notice that they're missing one complete lens?

She did.

Don't you think that looks pretty weirdo?

She laughed. "Well, I think you may be a bit overly self conscious about that...I don't know if most folks would notice right away. Lots of patients can just go completely without glasses even though they have only had one eye done."

Well, I can't go without my glasses yet. Not until after my left eye surgery is done. 

I shoved the frame in front of her face. Just look through these babies!

She did. "Yeah, that's a pretty strong prescription, all right."

So what do I do? Isn't there a clear demo lens laying around from all of your sample frames that you could just pop in there?

She thought about that. "I don't think that I can do that. Our demo lenses all have writing all over them. I could order a new lens for you that has no correction but it would cost you plenty. When my mom had cataract surgery, she asked me the same thing but I just made her pop out the one side of her glasses and that's what she did for about a month. SHE didn't complain about it."

You did? That's terrible! I gave her my best one-eyed-indignant-Mom stare.

Awkward pause. She looked a bit ashamed. "Give me your glasses."

I did.

What are you going to do with them?

"Just wait here. I have an idea."

She disappeared into a workroom, I heard a strange grinding noise, and moments later, she reappeared with my glasses -- with TWO LENSES in them -- dangling from her fingers.

"Be careful. I couldn't get it to fit exactly right."

I could have hugged her. What did you do?

"I found this display thing. It was way too big for your frames so I used the grinder to make it about the shape and size of your old lens. I think it looks better now."

You are a doll! How much do I owe you?

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all."

But I didn't buy these frames here!

"That's OK. Come back and get your next ones here."

I thanked her profusely.

She grinned and said, "You're welcome."

As I turned and began to roll my cart out of the department, I heard her giggle.

What?

"I think I need to call and apologize to my mom!"

THAT's my girl!

What a peach.