Relationships Are All About Balance

Image found here. 

Back in July 2010, I wrote a post entitled, "Have you lost friends when you acquired a chronic illness?" Even though I put up this post almost three years ago, it's still being read and commented upon. I think readers find this topic of interest because it seems that each of us experiences a change in the dynamics of our friendships once autoimmune disease enters the picture.

Here's my favorite paragraph from that post; a quote by Susan Milstrey Wells:

"Ultimately, as we strike a delicate balance between our own needs and the demands of our most important relationships, we grow in self-awareness, creativity, and acceptance. We can't be sick successfully without learning to love ourselves, and when we accept our own limitations, we're much more likely to let those around us be less than perfect too."

What good advice.

Readers have left several very good comments on this post, and most seem to agree that those friends that stick with us through the difficult time of adaptation to chronic illness are precious and few. We miss those people who had previously been important in our lives when they dropped off of our radar due to the changes that accompany our disease. It hurts. Many feel as though the only way to maintain friendships with some people is to pretend that they didn't become ill; to ignore the elephant in the room with the word "Sjogren's Syndrome" painted on his back. Nothing to see here, folks......just move along....

A few months ago, this comment brought a slightly different perspective to the discussion:

"Have you ever thought about it from your friends' point of view? If you are often talking about your illness over and over, your friend may lose interest in hanging out with you. I have a friend who has a chronic illness who talked about her illness every time I came to visit even if I did not ask. I have my own health issues and don't sit and dwell on them. A balance is needed. Support and compassion--check. Codependency and pity for the martyr--NOPE!"

My first reaction after reading this was to bristle defensively just a bit. Me? Martyr? Dwelling on my health issues? Never.

Um. Well.....

After some thought, I realized a bit reluctantly that even though the writer was a bit harsh, there was an element of truth there: that friendship is definitely a two-way interaction, and if one of the two parties is hogging the lion's share (Mixed metaphors. Sorry.) of the attention and discussion, the relationship would definitely suffer.

There's no doubt that every one of my friends and family knew ALL ABOUT the latest hitch in my giddy-up. I talked about white blood cells and neutrophils and CBCs and isolation ad nauseum. To anyone who would listen, and even to those who tried not to.

Thank you, dear ones, who just smiled and nodded even though you had heard the litany of my trip to the ER at least a dozen times already. And then you tolerated all of my wah-wah-wah-ing about being bored and housebound and tired and....yadayadayada. You brought me goodies and books and  called and emailed. You were far nicer to me than I really deserved. This is why I love you all...

So this comment is a good reminder of what Susan Milstry Wells means when she says that we need "to strike a delicate balance between our own needs and the demands of our most important relationships..."

It's that balance. It's all about balance, isn't it?

So hard to do.

What was your reaction to this comment?