Don't Tell Anyone

Image found here. 

Wanna hear something really gross?

Of course you do. Just don't read this over breakfast.

The last time I saw my dentist, after he took a look-see around my mouth and throat, he told me to go see an ENT -- ear, nose, and throat doctor. "Because you have a .......... um .......papilloma on your left tonsil stalk."

A what?

"A growth caused by the human papilloma virus, also known as a wart."

Say WHAT?

"Got any other warts?"

I beg your pardon.

"Well, now, Julia. You know what a wart is. I know that you know what HPV is. So spill."

OK. If you must know.......I have a plantar wart. And a wart on my hand. And..............sigh.............a wart on my nose.

(Wow. I've never made that confession before, people. What kind of person has a wart on her NOSE? And now on her left tonsillar fossa? The shame. The heartbreak and shame.....)

"The reason I've asked -- as I'm sure you know -- is that when people are immunosuppressed, especially to the degree that you are, it's easy for other opportunistic viruses to spread. And if you've got one wart, it's almost a sure thing that you'll get another. I'm pretty certain that this is just a benign little papilloma, caused by an HPV virus, but I want an ENT to check this out."

Silence.

"Julia. Speak to me."

Ok. Ok, already. But it's ANOTHER doctor visit and ANOTHER co-pay and.......well......do I have to tell them about my other warts?

"Yes. Yes you do. So there." He grinned. "But don't worry. Your wart secret is safe with me." And made a zipping motion across his lips.

So today, I dutifully showed up for my first appointment with a brand-spankin'-new ENT physician, a lovely young lady with a huge smile and a very gentle demeanor. She had the grace not to cringe when I mentioned the W word.

Actually, she didn't even seem a bit grossed out.

"So you and I should probably be in touch periodically," she mused.

For wa.....war.....papillomas?

"No. Because of your Sjogren's syndrome. I can see the changes that a dry mouth have made on your oral mucosa and actually........you may have a teensy bit of thrush beginning on the far corner of your soft palate."

Wow. She seemed pretty knowledgeable about Sjs. I liked her immediately.

"So. I'm going to do a very thorough comprehensive exam today since you have an ongoing condition which affects -- obviously -- your throat and mouth. And I'm going to remove that little papilloma and send it down to the lab to be examined."

She wasn't kidding about a thorough exam which included threading a small fiberoptic scope down through my nose all the way to my toes. (Not really. It just felt that way.) I believe she stopped just shy of my vocal cords. But it was expertly done and was remarkably comfortable.

I really, really, liked this new doctor. "So. What about this......w......wa......wart on my nose?"

She took a nasal speculum and looked into my right nostril. "That? That little thing?" 


I nodded.


"It's pretty small. And I couldn't even see it until you tipped your head way back. It's kind of on the inner edge of your nostril."

But it really bugs me.

"I'm pretty sure that I could excise it, but I don't have time today. If you want to come back, I'd be happy to remove it, but actually it will probably just grow back. Sorry."

Do you promise that it won't show on all the family pictures coming up with TWO weddings this year?

"Wow. Two weddings? Um, yep. I'm sure. But just make an appointment and come back if you think it's going to be noticeable. We'll take care of it, at least temporarily."

I left after she numbed then snipped a very small little piece of tissue -- the dreaded papilloma -- from the back of my throat.

So there it is, folks. Promise me you won't think less of me......yes. I am a warted woman. Now you know my deepest darkest secret.

Just remind me before the wedding NEVER to tip my head back and thus expose my.......wa.......war......papilloma.