It Will Always Weigh Heavily On John...

Image found here. 

Last weekend, my son and his fiance were visiting us, and one evening over dinner our conversation was focused on their upcoming wedding and all the stuff that needed to be done before then. It was great. I sat back, coffee cup in hand and grinned. Now THIS is real entertainment, I thought.

Son: .......and so we should be looking around for a place for us to live after we get married. Man, it's going to be interesting putting all of our stuff together.

Fiance: Exaaaaactly.

Son: Um. What?

Fiance:  Well, we have to make sure to have enough wall space for my books and bookshelves. So a lot of your junk is just going to have to go.

Son: *Silence. Silence. Furrowed brow.* Sigh. Honey. I thought we discussed this.

Fiance: We did! We decided that we need a lot of room for my books!

So, Fiance - a delightful young woman and a girl who has remarkably similar tastes in literature as I - majored in English in college and works with books, books, and more books. And in her spare time she reviews books. The girl has BOOKS everywhere.

I approve heartily. I have books everywhere too.

My son smacked his hand over his forehead and dragged it down over his eyes. I've seen his father do this same face-palm maneuver when he's vexed.

Son: Mom. Do you KNOW how many books this woman has? And do you know how many times I have had to box up and lug all those books around every time she's changed apartments?!?

Fiance smiled devilishly. AND Half-Price Books is having a clearance sale next week, she said.

We fist-bumped over the cheese fondue.

Well, now, son, I said. It appears that you have a situation here that reminds me of THE PIANO INCIDENT.

Son gasped. NO!

Ah, yes. I believe so.

Fiance blinked her stunningly beautiful blue eyes and innocently asked, So, what's the piano incident?

John took a swig from his frosty beer mug before settling back in his chair. He loves telling this story:

So about a year after we were married, your mom decided that she wanted to buy a piano. She found an enormous, huge, old upright piano in the classifieds...

I interrupted. Actually, it was a cabinet grand because it had a baby grand soundboard, so it was taller than usual. And it was made of cherry wood and the tone was just amazing! It was carved so beautifully and I loved that thing!

John gave me the who's telling this story here, you or I? look and continued. We hired somebody to deliver it out to the house and I swear it was so heavy that I heard a floor joist crack when they settled it into place. We moved a couple times after that and didn't hire someone to move us, so we had to lug that two-ton piano in and out of houses.....it was the worst thing that I have had to move, EVER.

I opened my mouth to elaborate on the piano's positive attributes but took one look at John and didn't say a word.

By the time we had finally bought a house and had to move one more time, I told Julia: Just sell the thing. I beg of you. I. Will. Not. Move. That. Beast. Again. Here's what we'll do - I promise that you can buy yourself a real baby grand for our new house if I just don't have to move this old monster. Sell it. For heaven's sake, just get rid of this awful thing!

Woo! I said. And I put an ad in the newspaper immediately.

John continued: So this piano-for-sale ad ran for all of about two days before my sister saw it in the paper. My sister called my mother and told her we were selling Julia's piano, and my mother called me to tell me that she would buy it from us. She told us to just bring it on over to her house. And move it into her house.

*Massive, sorrowful sigh*. I couldn't tell Mom that I wouldn't sell her the piano. And I couldn't tell her that I wouldn't move the piano, either. So my brothers and I risked yet another hernia by taking it to her house.

I thought the piano incident was finally over until Mom called two years later. She told me that she wanted to move the piano down from the main floor of her house to her basement. Her BASEMENT. We had to take the piano out of the house, and roll it on boards around to the backside of the house and then move it into the basement door. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

He shuddered. I don't know or care what she decides to do with that thing ever again. I just don't want to be involved...

Fiance laughed until she cried. Oh, yeeeaaaahhh, she said. I'll have to get some really big heavy old books about PIANOS.

My son actually whimpered into his beer.

I love that girl.