I Will Never Be One of the Cool People

I've been reading snippets of some very successful edgy blogs.

Out there in the blogosphere, several wildly successful blogs such as dooce are authored by women who are seriously into motherhood and domesticity BUT can do so without appearing corny simply because their about me sidebar says things like this:

This website chronicles my life from a time when I was single and making a lot of money as a web designer in Los Angeles, to when I was dating the man who would become my husband, to when I lost my job and lived life as an unemployed drunk, to when I married my husband and moved to my mother's basement in Utah, to when I became pregnant, to when I threw up and became unbearably swollen during the pregnancy, to the birth, to the aftermath, to the postpartum depression that landed me in a psyche ward.

Whoa. Dooce has faced tremendous difficulties that she and her family have had to endure, bless her. And I don't want to insinuate that any of those experiences are enviable. Doose's reputation as edgy and hip has come with a steep price to pay. After struggles like those, she deserves all the good things that have come as she has fought her way back to normalcy. 

But in observing these authors' use of language and words and expressions, I have discovered that I and my attempts at writing are hopelessly unhip. I don't even know how to use the right words to express the fact that I'm just not on the cutting edge of life and never have been.

I suppose I could get all devious and concoct some elaborate and completely untrue life struggles and write about them in my about me sidebar, but then I wouldn't deserve any recognition that came because of it. Besides, I'm so completely clueless that I wouldn't be able to artfully construct a bunch of hooie that anyone would believe, anyway.

I don't use the f bomb or other obscene words. Never have. Never will. I won't describe any aspect of my or anyone else's sex life. I have lived a hopelessly non-traumatic life. I can't blithely refer to my days spent as a druggie, or time spent in a large metro area in poverty, or of my previous abusive relationships, and then write about life with descriptions shaded with a cynical perspective. I've realized that I haven't authentically earned my right to do so while also thanking my lucky stars that this is true.

 In reading these other blogs, in between episodes of cringing at some of the language, I've learned a few other tidbits about myself. One of these lessons that I've learned is that I use asterisks to describe actions. I did not realize that this was a very uncool thing to do:

2. People on the internet putting a phrase between asterisks as if they are actually doing whatever that phrase says.

This is pretty harmless but I can't help but wince every time I see it. It used to happen more in forums or message boards, but now it happens on Twitter. Like maybe someone mentions swimming, and another person replies, "Sounds fun! *puts on swimsuit, cracks open a beer*" This is so nerdy it makes me feel feverishly uncomfortable on your behalf. You're not really doing that. No one believes you're doing that. We all know you're in your office right now. And we all know that now you secretly want everyone else in your Twitter stream to follow suit and start some weird fake textual pool party.

Person A: *jumps in* Cannonball!
Person B: *mixes mai tai, passes to Person C*
Person C: *takes off top, forget she's married*

So this is just like a strange live action role playing you're playing by yourself, with words. It's like you just can't shake King's Quest, or you still want to be Leisure Suit Larry. You are forever in the cavern of the Evil Wizard. Around you are the carcasses of slain ice dwarfs.

If you replied, "*picks nose, refreshes page*" at least it would be true, but it would still be lame. 

(you can read more of Que Sera Sera here.)

Wow. I have no idea who Leisure Suit Larry is. And who or what is King's Quest? And I'm not clicking on the Evil Wizard link, either. *furtively opens another browser tab and clicks away*

I'm a dork. Naive. Always have been. Always will. So I guess that Reasonably Well - and me - will have to remain simply who we are.

Hopelessly corny.