Chugging Along

Image found here. 

I've had a few crashy days this week. Anyone who has experienced autoimmune fatigue knows what I mean by crashy. It feels like this: I'm a lawnmower. Yes, strange image but stick with me here. I'm a lawnmower with a job to do - obviously to mow the lawn. Yet my gas tank is almost empty. So I go about my work, and within minutes, my engine putters out and dies. Someone puts another dribble of gasoline in my tank, I fire up to get back to the grass, and within another minute or so, my engine dies yet again. Again, I only get given a measly dribble of gasoline.....my two cycle engine truly only has two cycles - almost out of gas, and completely out of gas. 

Aside from the frustrations of not being able to do physical tasks, this kind of fatigue is taxing emotionally, as well. 

I feel as though I am always waiting for a magical day, when I can awake full of energy, and instead of refilling my fuel tank with a miserly few drops, I am recharged completely. I want to be able to look ahead to the next day with the expectation that I can, well, I just can. I can do the vacuuming. I can walk the dog. I can go shopping with my friends. I want to feel as if I can do all those things that I used to do. 

It takes a good deal of emotional energy to rationalize this frustration away. I begin with a thought something like this: Take one day at a time. Just put one foot ahead of the other. Be thankful for the abilities that I do have -  My body still is intact, my brain usually is functional, and I may be slow, but I still have the capability to do most of the things that I need to do. 

Making a mental list of my remaining abilities always helps, and makes me wonder: What do those with disabilities much more significant than I do to keep going? What motivates them to take one day at a time and keep putting one foot ahead of the other? And most of all, I wonder, how can I be more like them?